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Lies may feel like a shield, but they act like a wedge. Therapists explain how to swap defensive deceptions for radical honesty, offering 11 expert ways to stay calm and repair the cracks in your connection.
According to Everyday Health, reporter Hilary I. Lebow spoke with two therapists about why people lie and how people can deal with dishonesty while working to rebuild trust.
Therapist Laura Sgro says lying is a complex social behavior with many different motivations, ranging from relatively harmless acts to deeply damaging ones. She says intention does not erase the impact but it is still important to look at the motive and the context in which it happened.
Some researchers group lies into two broad categories: lies told to protect a relationship and lies told to protect oneself.
These are also described in some studies as prosocial and antisocial lies, or other-focused and self-focused lies. In each case, the basic point remains the same: not all lies carry the same purpose or lead to the same outcome.
Prosocial lies, sometimes called white lies, are common in everyday relationships. Sgro says these lies are often meant to spare someone’s feelings or help them in some way, such as telling a friend you liked a gift even when you did not. She describes them as lies that usually come from good intentions.
Antisocial lies, by contrast, are used to shift a situation in one’s own favor. Making up an excuse to hide a mistake falls into this category. Sgro says the intention behind these lies is far less altruistic, and even when they go unnoticed, they can still wear away at social bonds because people who lie may also assume others are lying to them.
The article also points to compulsive or pathological lying, which it describes as telling five or more lies in a day.
While it can be a symptom of narcissistic or antisocial personality disorders, it also occurs independently.
It is estimated to affect between 8% and 13% of society.
Therapists say it is natural to feel hurt or betrayed when someone appears to be lying but they recommend slowing down before moving into confrontation.
Therapist Jordan A. Conrad says the first reaction may be to assume the other person lied to cause harm, especially when the facts do not line up. He advises first evaluating your relationship with the person and considering their overall behavioral patterns.
Conrad also says people should examine how they themselves respond to difficult truths. If someone reacts angrily whenever they hear something they do not like, he suggests it should not come as a surprise if others start keeping things from them.
Sgro adds that in situations involving gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation in which a person is made to doubt their own perception of reality, writing things down and keeping records can help people stay grounded in what they experienced.
To avoid being derailed by intense emotions, Sgro recommends rehearsing your points before a confrontation.
Both therapists advocate for a calm and compassionate approach. Conrad suggests explaining how you discovered the lie while remaining open to the other person's perspective, since misunderstandings often play a role. Even in serious cases, he emphasizes that losing control hinders resolution.
Ultimately, Sgro notes that setting boundaries is essential to clearly communicate your expectations for the future rather than simply trying to force change.
The therapists also stress that people need time to process what happened instead of pushing their feelings aside. Writing in a journal or speaking with someone they trust may help them work through the experience.
They say therapy can serve either as short-term support or as a long-term resource, especially when a relationship has been seriously shaken and an outside perspective is needed.
Sgro notes that the aftermath of a lie can trigger a grief process. If the person takes responsibility, trust can be rebuilt, but if they refuse to be accountable, creating distance may become necessary.
Conrad adds that people may also need to accept that some individuals will keep lying. In that case, the question becomes not only whether to keep them in one’s life, but also how much trust to place in them going forward.
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