Newsletters
In a dramatic escalation of the UAE’s campaign to purchase international affection, Abu Dhabi is considering a bold new acquisition: the United Nations Secretary-General.
The idea erupted at a lavish Washington roundtable, where Tariq al-Laklak, a Georgetown-educated Emirati lobbyist, was informed by a MAGA senator that hiring former Western presidents, prime ministers, and assorted influence peddlers was no longer enough.
After years of competing with Saudi Arabia and Qatar to buy Washington’s political establishment, the UAE had reached a historic conclusion: why rent international legitimacy when you could install your own management?
The competition was murderous.
Qatar had bought football, Saudi Arabia had (at least for a moment) bought golf, and Abu Dhabi was buying Western foreign policy at wholesale prices.
Former presidents, prime ministers, hedge fund managers, and think-tank highbrows lined up at the Emirati trough to discover democracy’s surprisingly attractive resale value.
They collected their fees, praised the UAE’s visionary leadership, and mocked their employers in airport VIP lounges. The Americans called it strategic partnership. The Emiratis called it friendship. The accountants called it an operating expense.
Buying Western politicians was easy. Getting them to defend Dubai’s alleged porta-potty parties would require something approaching genuine diplomatic talent.
The BBC documentary Death in Dubai examined allegations that young women were lured to the emirate with promises of luxury and influencer fame, then subjected to sexual exploitation and degrading abuse, including acts involving bodily waste. One woman described being trafficked from Uganda; another reported an alleged £16,000 fetish-party invitation, although the messages were unverified.
Washington’s public-relations magnates agreed to rebrand the scandal as "experiential diplomacy," recasting victims as stakeholders and wealthy abusers as strategic partners. But at a lavish sidebar confab devoted to improving the UAE’s image, Senator Foghorn Louisiana Purchase Leghorn had a considerably grander idea. Pecking at a platter of gold-leaf dates, he turned to Tariq. "Why don’t you nominate Lana?"
"Lana Nusseibeh?"
“For the U.N. Secretary-General, for God's sake! She's your Jared Kushner, Tariq! Young, confident, Middle Eastern, and good at explaining why disasters are actually diplomatic breakthroughs. Except she's smarter, has a warmer smile, and—I'll give you people credit where credit's due—probably knows where Sudan is!"
“There’s more to her than that,” Tariq added, slyly grinning.
“Her grandfather, Anwar Nusseibeh, was a Palestinian statesman and Jordanian defense minister,” Tariq chuckled. “Her father, Zaki, became an adviser to Sheikh Zayed and spent decades close to the Emirati ruling family. Her uncle Sari is a Palestinian philosopher and former president of Al-Quds University. This family was negotiating the Middle East before Americans learned to pronounce it.”
1 min read
Senator Leghorn was delighted.
“Palestinian aristocratic pedigree! Emirati government salary! English education! Understands the Israelis! Great golden follicles of Mar-a-Lago, Tariq, what in God's creation have you people been breeding over there? She's a diplomatic laboratory experiment! Slap a Chinese doctorate on her and a Nobel Prize for parking, and you've got yourself the finest imported secretary-general money can buy."
Within 24 hours, Abu Dhabi had mobilized every former statesman still capable of cashing a check. At the U.N., six fictional straw polls had failed. Washington wanted Trump's Nobel Peace Prize, Moscow wanted obedience, and Paris wanted someone who could pronounce Sartre.
The 48-year-old Nusseibeh suddenly looked like the answer to a question nobody had asked.
Then Rumpelstiltskin questioned Nusseibeh about allegations of UAE arms supplies to Sudan's Rapid Support Forces.
"The UAE categorically denies these claims," she replied.
U.N. lawyers promptly reclassified the reported weapons as “humanitarian equipment with ballistic characteristics.”
Another reporter raised the BBC documentary on alleged sexual exploitation in Dubai. Nusseibeh called for accountability. Emirati consultants announced a symposium on "Women's Empowerment Through Luxury Hospitality."
Back in Washington, the senator was ecstatic. "Tariq, she's perfect. The U.N. gives moral authority to people who can't agree on morality."
"And the scandals?"
"That's what the tablecloth is for."
Set as preferred source
Set as preferred source
1 min read
