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President Trump’s White House has reportedly hired the executive placement and public relations firm Temel & Dursun to refill roughly 1,500 State Department positions vacated after what administration officials described as “the largest diplomatic garage sale in modern American history.”
Under Trump’s “Reduction in Force Separation Decree,” career foreign service officers were dismissed in waves so large that several embassies reportedly had to replace staff meetings with group chats moderated by interns from Liberty University.
“We’re putting serious people into serious positions,” said Temel & Dursun CEO Temel Bal-Kaymak, speaking from the deck of a 280-foot yacht somewhere between Doha and a federal indictment.
“We need individuals who can navigate OPEC superyachts through the Strait of Hormuz without spilling a Negroni, repopulate Tehran’s peacock gardens, and restore the Emirates to its rightful place as the global capital of influencer diplomacy.”
The firm has been tasked with filling more than one hundred ambassadorial posts, including key openings in France, Japan and whatever country currently hosts Andrew Tate.
According to administration officials, prospective ambassadors will be evaluated on their ability to negotiate peace agreements that also include mandatory purchases of Trump Phones, Trump Cologne, Trump Steaks and the newly released leather-bound Trump Bible: The Art of Revelation.
One draft proposal circulating at the White House reportedly offers Iran partial sanctions relief in exchange for Tehran agreeing to become the exclusive Middle East distributor of Trump NFTs and a line of gold-plated tactical prayer beads.
To lead the initiative, Temel & Dursun recruited Georgetown fixture and professional panel discussion attendee Sinan Ciddi, who assembled what insiders are calling “the Ocean’s Eleven of deeply questionable foreign policy.”
The team includes exiled Iranian royal Reza Pahlavi and Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs, whom officials say was brought on because “nobody understands oil markets, luxury branding and federal court appearances better.”
“Rez handles Iran,” Ciddi explained. “Puff is focused on lowering oil prices and conflict de-escalation. Plus, he already owns enough white linen to blend into any Gulf summit.”
Ciddi joins the firm after teaching at the U.S. Marine Corps University, where his courses reportedly included “Why Turkish Villagers Prefer Camels to Cars,” “Selling F-35s Without Engines: A Pentagon Success Story,” and “Ankara’s Strategic Vision for Kebab Bars on Mars.”
Ever since his state-funded dolce vita at Georgetown University dried up a decade ago, forcing him to abandon a life of academic junkets without the burden of producing actual political science, "Mr. Serious" has been desperately seeking to satisfy his cultural palate.
Washington D.C. may lack real doner, but Temel & Dursun keep the faucets open.
At press time, Temel & Dursun were said to be considering Kid Rock for special envoy to NATO after Ciddi learned he once performed within 300 miles of Brussels.
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